Already?

Already it has been two months into the new year, and I can’t believe this is my first post of the year! Great Scott! I think in some ways I have slipped into a sort of coma. Life has been passing me by as I try to keep up with the daily stress of life, drama and business with work. I’ve actually been going through a slight depression, and last night was no exception. Taxes. Ughh,

A lot has happened in the last two months. busySo why haven’t I blogged. I don’t know. I wouldn’t say it is because I don’t care – because I do. I just get busy with work, and try to keep up with everything around me, but sometimes it is just overwhelming.

Sometimes I just tire of the drama I see on Facebook, especially between cousins. I am SO GLAD I removed D & D – I certainly do not need their soured opinions and disparity. I have also dropped a few other ‘friends’ from HS that I certainly do not need. It is not that I don’t mind other opinions or views. But I don’t need to feel “beat up” from someone just because I share a different view point! This happened with D & D, along with a few others. So then I get to a point and ask myself – is it me? Am I the one that cannot get along with others? All my life, I have been passive, shy, the nice guy, and complacent. I am usually happy no matter what the circumstances or situation. So I dropped out of FB for two or three weeks, and quite honestly, I don’t think anyone even noticed.

The last couple of months have seen their share of ups-and-downs with work. I’ve been on a big project, and have been the project lead for this, carrying the brunt of the weight of the project on my shoulders. I’ve received some help from a contractor, but very little help from co-workers. After all, it’s not their project. My appraisal went as expected – the usual average rating and disclaimer that there is no money in the budget for raises. If I wasn’t this close to retiring (~10 years) I would probably bail and look elsewhere, but good jobs with good benefits are hard to find.

On the positive side, I am finally working in Walnut Creek now. It’s only taken five months to get moved here!

On the family side, I continue to hear from David infrequently. Just when I am about to write him off, I hear from him. He’s been on his own cell phone plan since January, and he’s called once. Up to that time, I was always the one texting him to see how he was doing. Sometimes I just get tired of being the one to pursue relationships.

As far as friends go, Daryl and I had a falling-out a couple of years ago. Though we had our differences, I miss that connection back to days when life was simpler and less stressful. I may contact him in the near future.

I had a good thing going with Ira for a while. Now that he is retired and traveling back-and-forth to Austin to see his kids and grand kids, he has kind of left me in the dust. This is a little surprising considering how he used to comment about others vacating friendships. The last couple of times we met, he had very limited time, and/or his wife would come get him after an hour. It reminds me of how you drop your kids off at the babysitter’s while you go out to a movie with your date, and then come back and pick-up the kids….

As for the home front, I feel things are going great with ‘the wife’. We are communicating well, and discussing mutual goals. This is important to me to be on the same page without debate with the one I live with 24×7! We have recently decided to remodel our kitchen and are both very excited to see how it turns out! This is huge, since neither of us have done such a big change to our homes, and now we get to do it together :)

Lena’s mom just moved this last weekend also. We are happy that she has been able to get into a place that is more affordable. All the siblings were there, and it was a joint effort to get her moved.

Alas, I bought a new bike and I am anxious to go for some casual rides out in the country area. It’s been a bit too cold to ride it lately, and have only put about 6-8 miles on it. I now have all the gear I need and I am ready to ride! I might get a small pack to go it for some items to carry, but that is about it.

Health wise, everything seems to be stable, though I feel I should be consuming more greens. Hopefully once the kitchen remodel is done, I can get back on track with this. I also want to continue with my New Year goals of eating healthier, more smoothies (berry and green), and cooking more. Time to get out that slow cooker and do some veggies!

I think the general feeling I was having when I began this post is this: I have felt abandoned. Kids do not talk to me (one never, one rarely), and my old work buddies have slowly disappeared into the woodwork. That is why I have reached-out to Daryl and try to make amends. Yeah, he’s weird. But he’s my weird friend. We have a long history going back, and I don’t want to completely abandon a friendship if it can make me a little more social. We are planning on some chess over coffee this weekend. I will, of course, bring up some of the past. But mostly, it is water under the bridge. I have learned to forgive and forget.

I just wish I didn’t feel alone/depressed so much. Why is that….? Sometimes these haunting feelings are just nagging feelings that slowly evaporate. Maybe it is easier for me to forgive, but not forget ….

Note To Self (aka Goodbye 2014!)

Note to self, this last post of the year!

I have certain goals that I really want to attain newbeginningsthis next year 2015. The usual New Year’s Resolutions, but I want to put some specific items down:

In no order –

  • I want to lose 20 pounds. Since last year, my weight has remained the same (at least it wasn’t a gain!). The year before I lost 10 pounds. To lose 20 pounds is not too unrealistic; that’s 1.5 pounds a month. With exercise this is attainable!
  • Specific books I want to read or complete reading:
    • Becoming Vegetarian (started)
    • The China Study (started)
    • Knock-out by Susanne Somers
    • The Vitamin D Miracle
  • Vegetarian lifestyle. I’m not really sure what this means at this time! I know dairy and meat are bad. So does this include cheese and eggs? Surely it must. So no chicken? No pork? No fish? This one is going to be really hard, and I don’t think it is sustainable for me. I don’t want to look back at the year and say only “I tried”. I want to succeed at this one. So what is realistic? Vegetarians have many levels, from semi-plant based diets to hard-core raw vegan diets. My thinking is that I can do without the red and white meats, including pork and chicken, but will most likely keep only fish on my list.

That isn’t too bad of a list. Bottom line, I think it is important to at least set goals, and less important is to actually make the goal.Then you can say you at least made an effort for change without being hard on yourself and having self-guilt.

We can do this :)

Mid-Life Crisis Or Consumed With Death?

For the past year or so, I seem to have become a bit obsessed with facts about people who once used to be on TV. The quest for “where are they now?” as we watch some TV show inspires me to look-up on-line all those cast in a certain show. I also find asking myself, “When did they die?” as I watch the year-end award shows and the segment that honors those who past in the current year.

not_as_youngWhy is this? I think it is because I have become more aware of my own mortality, and that I will not live for ever. This of course is largely because of my diagnosis almost three years ago. But it is also because I just don’t move like I used to! I have more aches and pains, I’m not as physically agile, I have more symptoms like age spots showing up on my wrists, and more grey hair. This is all normal, and a part of life as it transitions to different phases. I’ve also been discussing retirement age more, and looking at plans and ideas of when the house can be paid off — and if we might move or not at that time or continue to work a bit.

It’s just reality.

I am also more cognisant of my relationships with family and cousins, as shallow or as distant as they might be. I have a distant relationship with my brother and a non-existent one with my sister. I don’t have a relationship with my estranged daughter, and a weak one with my son. What does that leave me with? I have cousins who are more into drama and day-to-day BS than I care to deal with, and few cousins I would actually want to spend any time with. Am I getting old and set in my ways that I don’t want to be bothered with family politics?

Life is short, and I am realizing that there is a certain paradox that as you get older, time seems to speed-up. Many have realized this phenomenon as well. This is another reason why I really want to make this next year a productive one, but personally as well as with family (or at least those I wish to spend time with). As always, I have many goals and dreams for 2015. Maybe this time I will actually make some of those come true!