Where Does The Time Go?

Lately I have been feeling that time is time_endingslipping away. There have been many discussions between us about when and where to retire. Amidst these discussions, I have had a couple of medical set-backs. As from my last post, I am dealing with a blood clot since mid-November. Fortunately, I have not had any side affects the doctors told me about. Initially, I had to do needle injections for about three weeks and since then I have been keeping within the designated range. Because of the nature of the medication I am on, I have had to be more conscientious about the quantity of the greens I have been eating to keep the test results in check with the expected results. Because of this, I feel, my PSA numbers have risen a bit, higher than they ever have been. I would be lying if I said I was not concerned about this. Long story short, getting older sucks.

I’ve been going through a bit of depression lately as well. Part of it is due to my medical conditions, and another part is feeling trapped in a job I don’t like. In this stage in my career and age as a whole, it would be difficult to learn a new skill or programming language, and retain the pay level I currently have. In addition, the stress of the job itself does not seem to be letting up at all. There are days I feel totally inadequate and unprepared and mistakes start to creep in. This leads to negative thoughts of what I am capable of doing, and wonder at times if I can really stick this out for another ten years. But I have to: there is no alternative.

Then there is the weekend. Time to catch-up on everything you didn’t have time to do during the week, or just decided in can wait until then. So I start feeling overwhelmed with things I have to do, such as shopping for things I need, fixing things that need to be fixed, and just running errands that I postpone during the week do to traffic or crowds. Then there is always the “task” of going to the gym, or meeting with friends because weekends are the only time I have for this. This all adds more stress to my life, when I really should not have that much stress when I am away from work (although lately, I have been putting in extra hours during the week and also on the weekend, so I feel like I really haven’t had a chance to get away from work :( )

I hear of friends my age (or younger) who have retired, or their house is paid off and don’t need to work, or whose life has turned out super amazing and do a lot of traveling. This is really frustrating and depressing and then I begin to wonder what did I do wrong, where did I make that bad decision to end up where I am now (although it can be a lot worse!). I am able to take a nice vacation once a year (something I was never able to do before…!) and the house should be paid off in about ten years (not bad at all, really). This of course presumes I am able to keep my job and last that long (someone at work was laid off this week :( ).

I am tired of feeling like my life is half, or maybe almost over. I don’t know why I feel this way. Sometimes I joke about it to Lena, but when you’re hit with a couple of serious medical issues you start to wonder. Of course, then you hear about people who are 80-something and still going strong. I also often think about how long my parents live (mother till 78, father till 73). Both smoked and many other major medical issues. So if that means anything, I should live until at least 75-78. It’s hard to think about dying. What would happen to all my “stuff”? lol :)

So, in trying to have some sort of schedule and accommodate so many things that seem to be coming my way, I have tried to take advantage of my free time: watching DVDs I’ve found_used_booksbeen interested in, playing chess with others (although I just started doing this), reading more, and less TV. One disadvantage of this, though, is I feel there has been less time with Lena, since TV is often times the center of our being together (I guess that can be good or bad …). I sometimes feel that I am being “unsociable”, but of course that is not my intent! I’ve also been trying to spend time on hobbies that I have either set aside or forgotten, like photography or chess. Speaking of chess, I visited a local used bookstore yesterday and came home with quite treasure trove!

So everything comes back full-circle. It’s all hamster_wheelabout time management and priorities. This is not to say life should be like a hamster on a hamster wheel! I suppose that if you feel life is like that, then it is time to get off the wheel and find a new path instead of going in circles all the time, and not making any progress.

So what is the moral of the story? Perhaps it goes back to the original name of this blog … Enjoy life and live!*


*   I’m trying :)


Posted in Life

The Fun Never Ends …

Already again, it’s been some time to blog. This is really a disservice to myself, as it helps to chronicle what’s happening in my life, which is meant to serve as some sort of self-therapy to see where I’ve been and perhaps where I am going.

So again, it’s been some two months since I blogged, so I am playing “catch-up” again :(

Life has taken a few interesting turns lately. The “fun” started on November 10th when — of all things — I sneezed at my desk while at work. The sneeze caused an immediate sharp pain in my left leg. At first I just blew it off as “weird” but then I thought, “this can be a warning sigh.” I’ve never heard of a distant pain in your leg as a result of a sneeze! So I called the Advice Nurse on Lena’s urging, and after a few critical questions the nurse suggested it was nothing, but to keep watch for any immediate change in health.

The next day the pain was much worse, imagesVZYFWZPAresulting in a rather annoying limp. Obviously something was going on, so I made an appointment to see my doctor the very next day. The doctor looked at it and thought it to only a superficial vein clot (SVT) which usually means nothing. But to be sure, she had me get an ultrasound the following Monday, two days later. The ultrasound revealed the worse-case scenario revealed. I had deep vein thrombosis (DVT), which often goes undetected and one out of five who get it, results in death. Death. Like, WTF? If this is that serious, why the fuck didn’t my doctor insist that I immediate get an ultrasound? And how long did I have this condition?

My doctor later told me that she suggested that the superficial blood clot could lead to DVT. Okay, so the question is, if there is even a remote chance of this happening, then why assume and take chances!? Doctors! As one site I looked at noted, “This condition can be life-threatening if the clot breaks apart and travels to your lungs.” Well there you go. An angel was watching over me … again … Now treatment consists of daily dosages of Coumadin with weekly blood test for about the next six months. After that, the body starts to take care of the issue and resolve the remaining bits of the clot. Oh joy. At least now things are under control.

hospital_stay_090303_mainThe same week as I was battling my own demons, I learned that my brother was in the hospital for sever swelling and a few other complications that was setting his life up for a very fragile watch for the next few days. Along with his CPAP for oxygen flow and diabetes, he also suffers from arthritis and some kidney and heart problems. Dale spent nine days in ICU. I was there about half those days, usually when he was sound asleep and never even knew I was there. He is my brother, and regardless of our past history, I would be there for him. After about the fourth day in ICU, he was well enough to be taken off of forced temporary paralysis. His swelling was going down nicely. He later realized I was there for much of his early times in the hospital. I never went there to see him for any other reason than for him being my brother. I was not there to show family “look at me, I am a kind human being” as often might be the case in my mixed-up family. No, I was there simply because we shared the same parents and up-bringing. I had some discussions with Debi during this time, and she gave me impressions of “as long as he is fine and living, I won’t bother coming out to see him. So ……. when was she coming out to see him, when he was dead? What is the point then? Stupid.

Now we’re in December, and Christmas is a mere two weeks away! This year, we’re going to go see Siran, and I’m really excited (not to mention it got me out of putting up Christmas lights this year! haha!). We’ll spend four or five days there, which will be fun – and warmer than here. Taleen is planning on coming with us, but Siran doesn’t know, so this will be a great surprise for Siran! Exciting!

Ahhh … Bend … Moving to Bend was a long dream slowly building up to relocate early next year. We had gotten “green lights” all along the way including low interest rates, plenty of houses that would meet our needs, and preliminary authorizations from our bosses to move and work from Bend. After looking at dozens of houses and tracking them closely, Lena re-checked with her boss of the coming reality, but alas things had taken a turn and her boss reluctantly told her that working so far would not be practical and would not work for the group, as she needs to be in the City. Well…………………shoot. There goes one dream up in smoke, at least for a while. Maybe it is for the best though, at least for now, since I didn’t have the DVT prognosis at the time. And it is best I take care of the issue at hand with my current health care provider while I am still here locally. It’s a hard pill to swallow, and hopefully not forever. Bend is ….. so beautiful. I hope this dream happens, or at least we consider moving somewhere else just as nice when we retire. Ahhh …. for now we just dream.

Posted in Life

Already? 3 Months? Really?

I’ve been wanting to blog lately, timetoblogbut somehow it has become a lesser priority. I mean, I know what is going on in my life now, so why would I need to do this? Simply put, I need to do it for self-reflection and therapy. It started out such for when I was initially diagnosed (seems like eons ago now…). During this time, it has become a place for me to vent about various things going on in my life or just make a note to myself that I will come back and read “some day”.

Three months is pretty inexcusable, but I’ll try to catch myself up here :)

Since that time, many things have gone on, while some things remain unchanged. Firstly, my son seems to be “too busy” to keep in touch with me unless it is a birthday or day like Father’s Day. I never quite got David, and sometimes I wonder, “Was I like that?”. The answer would be NO. I was always very much aware of family and priorities – even when I was in high school and hanging out with friends post-high school. Maybe it’s the new generation. No, because my step-kids aren’t like that. No, David is just David. He has always lacked a sense of priorities. I mean, what does it take to call OR TEXT me? And why am I always the one who has to do it? I was never like that with my parents. I am sure he does it to his mom too. I still do not get his moving away 2500 miles away? With his girlfriend?

Despite the divorce, it saddens me that David and his sister do not talk. Again, not surprising. Both are self centered, with his sister being the queen of brats. Whatever. It’s not even worth thinking about much.

I was sadden a couple of weeks ago (yeah, I should have blogged) about the passing of Martin Milner, an actor on one of my favorite shows growing up (“Adam-12”). It is sort of a reality check.

Then today, I was going through my computer to organize some pictures, and ran across some pictures of the kids around 2007 – just months before the divorce. It is kind of a surreal thought, still to this day. Those days literally seem like a lifetime ago. The divorce was horrid, and kids were younger. Now they are both gone their own ways. Weird. Life is just weird.

Tonight I was going through more pictures and saw some of my mom and dad, with Uncle Larry and Aunt Sharon. Geez. They’re all gone now :(

I know, I won’t live for ever. That’s life.

About three weeks ago I practically had a mental break down [I was alone at home]. I was going through a box I received of my dad’s belongings from my sister. It was a necessary but hard thing to go through. I cried, hysterically. I am glad I was alone, because real men don’t cry, right? Sometimes life just sucks.

Sigh ……

11243710_690760727736127_8380477387183767805_nLately Lena and I have been considering where we might want to retire. This has been really exciting (yea, something happy for once!) as we’ve been looking at houses we both like (but don’t always agree on!) and also looking at our calendar and finances. I would retire now if I could, but I can’t damn it. We are both in love with Bend, but also trying to be realistic about when that might happen. From the looks of things, it is a good five years off, minimum. Sparks is a consideration too, it’s just so damn dry.

Work has been the usual pain in the a**. Thank God this project is winding down. Enough said.

I still have yet to hit one of the chess clubs. I really want to start doing some over-the-board instead of online or computer (where I am always losing lol).

Overall life is good. I am generally happy. It helps to have a wife who loves you <3

Posted in Life | Tagged , , , ,