Lately I have been feeling that time is slipping away. There have been many discussions between us about when and where to retire. Amidst these discussions, I have had a couple of medical set-backs. As from my last post, I am dealing with a blood clot since mid-November. Fortunately, I have not had any side affects the doctors told me about. Initially, I had to do needle injections for about three weeks and since then I have been keeping within the designated range. Because of the nature of the medication I am on, I have had to be more conscientious about the quantity of the greens I have been eating to keep the test results in check with the expected results. Because of this, I feel, my PSA numbers have risen a bit, higher than they ever have been. I would be lying if I said I was not concerned about this. Long story short, getting older sucks.
I’ve been going through a bit of depression lately as well. Part of it is due to my medical conditions, and another part is feeling trapped in a job I don’t like. In this stage in my career and age as a whole, it would be difficult to learn a new skill or programming language, and retain the pay level I currently have. In addition, the stress of the job itself does not seem to be letting up at all. There are days I feel totally inadequate and unprepared and mistakes start to creep in. This leads to negative thoughts of what I am capable of doing, and wonder at times if I can really stick this out for another ten years. But I have to: there is no alternative.
Then there is the weekend. Time to catch-up on everything you didn’t have time to do during the week, or just decided in can wait until then. So I start feeling overwhelmed with things I have to do, such as shopping for things I need, fixing things that need to be fixed, and just running errands that I postpone during the week do to traffic or crowds. Then there is always the “task” of going to the gym, or meeting with friends because weekends are the only time I have for this. This all adds more stress to my life, when I really should not have that much stress when I am away from work (although lately, I have been putting in extra hours during the week and also on the weekend, so I feel like I really haven’t had a chance to get away from work :( )
I hear of friends my age (or younger) who have retired, or their house is paid off and don’t need to work, or whose life has turned out super amazing and do a lot of traveling. This is really frustrating and depressing and then I begin to wonder what did I do wrong, where did I make that bad decision to end up where I am now (although it can be a lot worse!). I am able to take a nice vacation once a year (something I was never able to do before…!) and the house should be paid off in about ten years (not bad at all, really). This of course presumes I am able to keep my job and last that long (someone at work was laid off this week :( ).
I am tired of feeling like my life is half, or maybe almost over. I don’t know why I feel this way. Sometimes I joke about it to Lena, but when you’re hit with a couple of serious medical issues you start to wonder. Of course, then you hear about people who are 80-something and still going strong. I also often think about how long my parents live (mother till 78, father till 73). Both smoked and many other major medical issues. So if that means anything, I should live until at least 75-78. It’s hard to think about dying. What would happen to all my “stuff”? lol :)
So, in trying to have some sort of schedule and accommodate so many things that seem to be coming my way, I have tried to take advantage of my free time: watching DVDs I’ve been interested in, playing chess with others (although I just started doing this), reading more, and less TV. One disadvantage of this, though, is I feel there has been less time with Lena, since TV is often times the center of our being together (I guess that can be good or bad …). I sometimes feel that I am being “unsociable”, but of course that is not my intent! I’ve also been trying to spend time on hobbies that I have either set aside or forgotten, like photography or chess. Speaking of chess, I visited a local used bookstore yesterday and came home with quite treasure trove!
So everything comes back full-circle. It’s all about time management and priorities. This is not to say life should be like a hamster on a hamster wheel! I suppose that if you feel life is like that, then it is time to get off the wheel and find a new path instead of going in circles all the time, and not making any progress.
So what is the moral of the story? Perhaps it goes back to the original name of this blog … Enjoy life and live!*
* I’m trying :)